Sentence combining
12 Feb 2017

“Less is more.”

Original composition

The poem begins with a short stanza that takes on the thoughts of the suicide bomber.  Turner depicts the nervousness and uneasiness of the man as he prepares to commit the mass murder.  Turner shows us, rather than tells us, by using strong imagery and juicy detail.  “It begins with a fist, white-knuckled and tight, glossy with sweat.” (Line 1-2).  Turner uses phrases such as “white-knuckled,” which force the reader to infer that the character is grasping something tightly.  As the poem goes on, more and more detail similar to this is exposed.  This opening stanza tells us about the feeling of the bomber before the incident.  It gives us a short introduction as to what is going to follow.

Revised text

The poem begins with a short stanza that [takes on the thoughts of the suicide bomber.  Turner] depicts the nervousness and uneasiness of the suicide bomber [man] as he prepares to commit [the] mass murder: [.  Turner shows us, rather than tells us, by using strong imagery and juicy detail.]  “It begins with a fist, white-knuckled and tight, glossy with sweat.” [(Line 1-2).  Turner uses phrases such as] From “white-knuckled” one can infer [, which force the reader to infer] that he [the character] is grasping something tightly, tense with anticipation.  [As the poem goes on, more and more detail similar to this is exposed.]  This opening stanza [tells us about the feeling of the bomber before the incident.  It] gives us a short introduction as to what is going to follow.

Finished Edit

The poem begins[1] with a short stanza that depicts the nervousness and uneasiness of the suicide bomber as he prepares to commit mass murder: “It begins with a fist, white-knuckled and tight, glossy with sweat.” From “white-knuckled,” one can infer that he is grasping something tightly, tense with anticipation. This opening stanza gives us a short introduction as to what is going to follow.

 

[1] Note the use of active verbs throughout the revised version. “The verb carries the freight.”


Author

Dr. Jeffrey Fast

Dr. Jeffrey Fast has been a teacher and administrator in America’s leading independent schools for almost 40 years. After graduating from Oberlin College, he served in the Peace Corps in the Philippines teaching English at both secondary and collegiate levels. He received his MA in English Literature fromYork University in Toronto, then moved on to receive his PhD from the Shakespeare Institute, University of Birmingham, England. Upon his return to America, he took on both teaching and administrative positions at The Webb Schools in California, serving for 15 years as English department head, Dean of Students, Director of Curriculum, and Director of the Summer Studies Program. He also taught English to Japanese students at The Toin Gakuen School outside Yokohama in one of his sabbaticals. After Webb, Dr. Fast moved to Boston, and took on teaching and administrative positions at Belmont Hill School, serving as English department head, Director of Curriculum, and Form Head for the past 22 years. He currently teaches sections of 9th grade English, as well as several advanced English electives — Shakespeare, Faulkner and the Southern Tradition, Search For Faith, Literature of Social Reflection.

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